Who I am
by: me

My fingers have a scent
sweet
and subtly spicy
like some rare flower
from a distant land
I thought of you while
trying to
rub my troubles away
with a flick of the wrist
and twist
of the hand

But after
I lay
naked in our bed
thoughts seethed
and slithered
in between the sheets
and
I mired
in what they said

Have you ever felt phoney?
asked yourself
how can everyone NOT see through?
see through
the pretty you
you put on display?
cant they tell the words
that I say
have been said by someone else
someone wiser
and strong
Am I the only one
who's been fooled
for so long?

Have you ever had a nightmare,
where
nobody has a face
there's just a big white
empty space
waiting to be painted
by number?
Without eyes and lips and a nose
you'd think they
couldnt function
but they do
and they stare at you
with a blank canvas
waiting to wear
pink
and orange
red
and blue

I dont know who I am
I dont know what to do

I dont know who I am
I dont know what to do

All the strings of definition
and stuffing of premonition
They unraveled
with the superstition
and the longing for the sky
Sometimes
I am too tired to even try
but never
too tired to cry

I feel lost
Lost and floating
My heart is heavy
it is tender and raw
it grabs a hold
and tries to draw
out the caring
beneath the words of
every person
I meet
I rub them on my skin
Wash me clean of my sin

Even this man
the man of my dreams
seems
at a loss of how
to handle me
(besides wanting to strangle me)
I wonder what he sees in me
because all I see now are cracks
with
the hard red core shining through
I dont know who I am
I dont know what to do

It all seems so clear
when he is near
when he run his strong hands
through my shiny red hair
when he kisses my forehead
when he touches my skin
wash me
wash me
wash me clean
of this sin

So I lay
thighs shaking
hands shaking
mind rattling
and battling
these bitter bites
the butchering
of my spirit
I can sense
that my soul
is still singing
I just hope that my heart can still hear it
then I can
try

I can try to break though
I dont know who I am
I dont know what to do.